The vibe is in shambles…
(Yes, I realize the actual 4th isn’t until tomorrow, but listen, depression, like UPS employees, work all major US holidays — rain or shine).
The Fourth of July weekend! Independence Day! The fireworks are a kaleidoscope of colors as they soar into the sky with a hiss and burst into vibrant chaos.
Some view it as a special day to remember the people who work hard to uphold our liberty, while others see it as an opportunity to purchase food for a barbeque and consume copious amounts of alcohol, enjoying moments with their relatives around a pond. No matter how you choose to celebrate (or not celebrate), that is totally alright! Maybe you own a business, and this weekend serves as an ideal chance to offer discounts and bring up those mediocre sales figures on your showing from earlier in the year.
Each year, I’ve looked forward to the 4th of July. Not only because it meant that my birthday was soon to arrive (but nobody needs to know I was hoping for gifts), but also because my family's celebration was always quite spectacular. By the lake, colorful lights hung from the trees, and people in red, white, and blue clothing were sipping drinks and playing with their kids as they ran around, splashing in the water. The air was filled with the aromas of burgers, fruit, and sulfur. Although this year was no different on the surface, I felt a weight pressing on me as I realized that my left ankle--usually so active during these celebrations--was no longer with me. That's okay though, I have accepted it. What I didn't anticipate hitting me like a pontoon abruptly kissing the shoreline with some boozy Uncle Sam as the captain; while nothing may have changed outwardly, internally my perspective had been altered.
The joys that made this holiday special to me were illuminated like sparklers with beaming realization. This year, I couldn't partake in many of these activities: pontoon rides, jumping into the lake on a hot day, and swimming with my son being just a few. Although my family was there to pick up the slack, it still hurt not to be able to enjoy the festivities as I normally would have. All of the changes I faced due to my new normal stood out more than ever.
I'm not one to back away from a challenge, and I usually don't show my emotions when it comes to things in my way. It was too much, however; something that could have been avoided. The grief and grace I felt were undeniable. My entire life I've worked hard to prevent having to deal with limb loss due to diabetes, yet here I am, with half of my life still ahead of me, facing another obstacle that was no fault of my own.
I am still learning (I know, it has only been just over a month since I found out this was all happening). I know how to accept and give myself the grace I need to heal emotionally, but I struggle daily with physical limitations. I am (stubbornly) independent, and was raised to never rely on others for things. This isn't me, but I need to learn to accept the hands that wish to help me, to give myself time to heal, to understand that this IS temporary, I AM strong, and I WILL be doing all of this in the years to come. But for just one day, I needed to feel how unfair this whole situation is.
If this feeling of depression, dissociation, helplessness or whatever feeling overcomes you, whether you're facing something physically or mentally trying, whatever it may be. Know that those feelings ARE temporary. You WILL regain whatever you feel you are missing in that moment. You WILL be stronger for each step you continue to choose to take.
Please know that taking a rest, resetting, and realigning your next 'steps' is okay. There are people that want to be the punk to your fuse, and help you light the way.
*one foot in front of the other :)
